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Common Beliefs About Sex That Cheapen Authentic Love

Of all the things we truly long for as men and women living in the 21st century, I believe the deepest (and most passionate) is the desire for authentic love and friendship. And, as is often true of other great things in life, there are challenges and responsibilities that must be embraced…

To encounter love, experience it and make it our own, and to participate intimately in it; for, without love we remain incomprehensible to ourselves and our life is meaningless.

Those infamous words uttered years ago by a personal hero of mine, the late great philosopher and sage, John Paul II invites us to pursue the only love really deserving of us—of our interest, heart, spirit, soul, and body. The successful pursuit of authentic love includes an awareness of the powerful impact of sex on your ability to love and be loved.

In an eye-opening national study of the college social scene, researchers of the report Hooking Up and Hanging Out and Hoping for Mr. Right discovered that sex-without-commitment encounters are common occurrences among a small group of students.

Eighty-three percent of the women in the survey expressed a desire to marry as an important goal. And yet, they accepted and participated in mating practices based solely on sexual desire and attraction without any concern for the parameters that establish a relationship. The women were the ones to acknowledge the confusion, lack of clarity and direction and so make a move toward defining the relationship by asking for commitment or refusing to continue on without it. Women want authentic love and friendship in marriage.

And so do men. None of them wanted to marry a woman who settled for and participated in the “hook up” culture. And, the dirty little secret here is that hooking up and hanging out doesn’t lead to authentic love and friendship or marriage because its basis and objective is entirely physical and it operates on the mistaken belief that:

1. Sex is a purely physical act. This belief asserts that what you do with your body is separate from what you do with your mind, and emotions, for example. The reality is that what we do with our body also impacts us spiritually, emotionally, intellectually, and socially. Studies in neuroscience demonstrate that we are hardwired to connect on all those levels simultaneously. The very centers of our brain which are responsible for our ability to think clearly regulate our emotions, or short-term memory, etc cannot be separated one from another. To activate one area of the brain effectively activates the entire body-mind system of the brain.

This reveals that as a person you and I are unified beings—your mind, body, and soul are designed to work in concert with one another. So, being wired to connect, sex impacts you emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, and socially.

2. What I do with my body has no impact on me as a person. As neuroscience has taught us, this just isn’t so for reasons already stated above. The problem with this belief is that you treat yourself as an object and grant others permission to do the same. Viewing your body as “something” you can use for your personal pleasure violates your own dignity. Do you speak of your hand as “the thing” you use to feed and dress yourself? No, it’s more likely that you refer to any part of your body as “my” hand, foot, eyes, mouth, leg, etc. You speak about yourself personally…referencing your humanity.

As a person your life is lived and expressed through your mind, emotions, spirit, and your body. You cannot escape the affect of your choices and actions.

The beauty, wonder, and coherence of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual makeup is precisely what makes it possible for us to connect intimately, exclusively, and permanently in authentic love and friendship.

Discuss this and other issues in Excelle’s Sex & Relationships forums

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