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Couples: Be Aware of Your Expectations
Featured Author:
Crystal Hernandez
Crystal Hernandez is a marriage and family therapist with over 16 years in the behavioral health field, with a special interest in women’s issues. The founder of Relating Today, a relational education and coaching business, Crystal is a trained instructor in the Couple Communication Program, which teaches skills of talking, listening, and resolving conflicts. She writes about managing life, marriage, relationships, and — yes — work.
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Crystal Hernandez | Excelle
January 14, 2009
It might be hard to believe, but there’s a new phenomenon or what some might even call a quiet storm sweeping over some newly wedded couples. Otherwise happy, marriage-bound couples are waking up to “postnuptial depression” weeks into their marriage.
What’s going on? Experts say pre- and post-marriage expectations are the culprit. Newly wedded couples aren’t as aware of the expectations they bring to their new life on many levels, and this creates unexpected problems, for example in…
• establishing their new married identity
• sustaining a healthy balance in their together and alone time
• the perception and experience of personal freedom and control
Expectations are powerful influences on our behavior. They contribute to feelings of disappointment, failure, and frustration more than any other factor in the outcome of a situation. Ironically, even in the most disappointing situations you can face in your marriage or family, a shift in your expectations can dramatically improve your ability to cope and regain a sense of direction and purpose.
Below is a favorite expression I picked up from my mother that really helps me to shift my expectations in order to cope with a given situation…
It is what it is…
That simple little phrase has an immediate impact on my outlook and attitude because it helps me to accept what cannot be changed. It makes me more cognizant about a situation while allowing me to also express myself emotionally and to act rationally.
When it comes to expectations you want to be cognizant and act rationally, while acknowledging how you feel—and all it takes is a little monitoring.
So, here are four ways to effectively monitor your expectations:
1. Pay attention to them – they are an important source of self-understanding
2. Access them by simply tuning in to yourself
3. Reflect on them and sort them out for yourself first, then discuss them as necessary
4. Be willing to adjust them in the interest of staying positively connected with loved ones
Remember they are always under your control, they are a product of what you think, want, and believe.
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gypsyrose
6 months ago
8 comments
While I do agree that it could use a little more clarity and detail, I think this is a great article. Knowing your own expectations is definitely the first key, but getting to the point where you are not only aware of them and can effectively and comfortably communicate them is a whole other ballgame! Once you can do that though, you are well on your way to a much healthier and happier relationship and this is a tool that can be effective in all your relationships - not just your spouse, but with other family members, friends, co-workers, etc.
Sacasemeker
10 months ago
4 comments
The topic of this article is very insterested but it is missing weight and clarity.
sdbrenton
10 months ago
2 comments
While this article is about a very important subject when it comes to relationships, it fails to deliver. It names the issues, the problems, the myths... but no real solutions, fixes, suggestions, not true life course of action. Pretty much leads you to beleive that relationships lead to time-consuming mistakes.
abbyhag
10 months ago
10 comments
Yes...as a newly married woman, I can completely relate to this. We are always expecting each other to act/react in certain ways, and when we do not we take it personal and feelings get hurt. I think being aware of this is most important. Thanks!
Belkis
10 months ago
152 comments
Very interesting article. Ironically, I was talking to my husband about expectations last night and I really wanted him to identify and explain to me his expectations as a "wife." Unfortunately, no one tells you the real scope on marriages.