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8 Types of Toxic Friends
Associated Content
January 12, 2009
A "toxic friend" is defined as a friend who contaminates our social life with destructive or negative behavior. The top 8 toxic friend profiles can be found below, along with ways to handle each one.
1. The Bubble-Burster This friend is always there with bad news to counter any good news you might have. Getting married? She happens to have the average national divorce rates memorized. Also known as Debbie Downer or The Wet Blanket. This friend is unnecessary in all situations, but if immediate disposal is not an option, try limiting conversations with her, especially where news-sharing is concerned. Keep your happy news to yourself when she's around and it will magically stay happy.
2. The One-Upper
This friend likes to fancy herself well-rounded or an overachiever, but she mostly lives to make others feel inferior. Mention an upcoming trip to Aspen, and you'll soon learn about her family cabin there, not to mention her countless medals and trophies for skiing. The best thing to do with people like this is ignore them. They crave approval, expecting people to envy them, and nothing will slow their nauseating self-congratulations like ambivalence. No matter how impressive their stories are, keep reactions minimal and they'll stop finding the thrill in overshadowing you.
3. The Employer
You might as well be on this friend's payroll for all the wingwoman duties you perform. You break up with guys for her, never outdress her, and even carry on obligatory conversations with a guy so she can chat up his hot friend. Playing second fiddle is never fun and can cause serious damage to your self-esteem. Relationships like these are draining and she'll just have to survive without you for a weekend. You have other friends, don't you? Call them. She'll likely be threatened, but this is because she is insecure. You don't need her permission.
4. The Predator
Never leave a boyfriend, boss, or even new friend alone with this social life stealer. The Predator just cannot help wanting what others have and cannot be trusted with the special people in your life. Introduce her to your new man and before you know it, she's sitting a little too close. Made a new friend? Keep them apart or she'll be punching their numbers into her phone. Don't even think about letting her meet your boss: she'll be strolling the halls of your office in no time...and hogging the boss's attention! If you have one of these bandits in your life, treat your social life like an expensive car in a bad neighborhood...locked up tight!
5. The Bodyguard
Whether its a guy hitting on you, a new friendship, or even an established relationship, this friend just doesn't think you're qualified to properly judge human character. She constantly feels the need to "protect" you from bad relationships, but ironically, she's the one you need protection from. Let her know that you can pick your own friendships and relationships. While you might appreciate that she has your back, remember that she's not just blocking bad relationships...you could be missing out on a lot!
6. The Charity Case
This friend is always down on her luck and can't seem to catch a break. Whenever you think you can't take another second of her and you're ready to hit the road, she needs another favor or shoulder to whine on and you're trapped until the incident blows over. Performing your own damage control will require fighting a little fire with fire. When she calls with a favor to ask, say you're down on your luck, too. It's highly unlikely that she'll try to repay the kindness you've shown her. The Charity Case is a taker, not a giver, and she'll likely fade away in search of a new knight in shining armor...and you'll be off the hook.
7. The Train Wreck
You know you should look away, but there is something about this dramatic friend that has you hooked. She's either in legal, financial, or social trouble (drinking/drug problems, spending addictions, and abusive relationships are the most common scenarios) and it's completely, 100% her fault. People offer their help and advice everyday but she doesn't want to hear it. With such a resistant attitude, her life is be mostly private and she kindly keeps you out of her problems, right? Wrong. In fact, you always seem to be bailing her out. Even though your opinions and perspectives are not welcome, she has no problem keeping you on the phone until 3a.m. while she complains about her problems. It might be hard, especially since you obviously care about this friend, but the intervention must stop. Once she falls on her ass, there will be nothing left for her to do but get up. That's when you can start helping again.
8. The Houdini
You haven't seen this friend in a little while...and the worst part is that you don't know why. You thought things were great, the bond was strong, and you were inseperable for a little while. Suddenly, she's not calling anymore and you're seeing her around with a different crowd. The problem is that you invested time and emotion in the relationship and her fairweather friendliness has left you feeling hurt and rejected. You're jealous of her new best friend and inevitably wonder what you didn't have to offer the relationship. Take comfort in this: that new best friend is going to be in your position in a few weeks and the Houdini will be sampling a new flavor. Commitment-phobes treat people like light bulbs because they are scared of getting rejected themselves. Meanwhile, you know how to treat a friend and will have plenty of them in your lifetime...now there's something to be jealous about!
Use this list wisely and refer to it everytime you begin to question a friendship. Remember, if none of your friends fit this criteria, but the relationship is still suffering, look over the list again. Could the toxic friend be you?
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46 comments
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5 months ago
I believe that if we know and love ourselves we will create stronger boundaries against toxic people. I believe that there are more toxic people than non-toxic people. I have trusted too easily and have been hurt many times. When you set strong boundaries, you protect yourself; toxic people don't like that. They want to invade all that is yours. This is a tell-tale sign!!
9coaches
5 months ago
4 comments
Certain acquaintances fit into some of these categories. I'm at an age where I want to remove toxicity from my circle of friends. This article is helpful. Some categories I already knew and some were new to me.
Too often my misplaced sense of loyalty has kept me associating with negative people. It is a waste of time and emotion and a source of unnecessary stress.
tcounce
6 months ago
14 comments
Never realized that they fell into different categories, but glad I know now.
@Soccermom...
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do is to walk away from a family member. Sometimes it has to be done. My mother is very toxic, and 25 years ago, I had to walk away. I don't know how toxic they are, but I know my mother was radioactive a million times over, so for me, though hard, the best thing I could do for me. As for the father of the children, there's a way around him, get a network of friends in your local area that is willing to be a part of your support group. Let them know that you need a little help from time to time, and ask them if they would be willing to. Be careful not to sound desperate though, because then you sound toxic. Some of our friends and neighbors would love to help, but they don't know we need it if we don't ask. If you let them know you are trying to put together a network of "people you know you can trust" (use your own words or mine, lol), it shows them that you trust them, and even if they can't help, you showed that you are a friend to them.
Soccermom
6 months ago
2 comments
What happens when the toxic person in your life is a family member like a mother or a sister? Even worse the father of two of your kids where you need to depend on him financially, but he has no work and always has another excuse and keeping the kids away is not an option? You are not together, but keep close enough to keep an eye on things. But that is all you get.
Shnnrnn
6 months ago
14 comments
Love the article. I have encountered a few toxic friends in my life and I think this will help me detect them better. Also, I know I can be a downer sometimes and I hope to better be able to prevent being toxic to someone else!
songwriter
6 months ago
36 comments
This made me laugh . . . I have a friend who is a one-upper, but I am unfortunately a combination/variation of the train wreck and the Houdini myself . . . so I can't complain too much. Of course, not everyone conveniently fits in one of the categories listed. However, reading this made me think of certain people and situations I have encountered, and most of all, the type of friend that I have been to others. Unfortunately, it reminded me that I am not that great of a friend as well. So now I feel kinda bad about being a not-so-good friend . . . Did anyone else get that after reading this article?
BusyMom
6 months ago
2 comments
What do you do when your toxic friend is your boss??? I'm in a situation I should have never gotten in and now not only does my sanity depend on her...my financial well being does as well.
Ambitious
6 months ago
2 comments
This is great stuff! I so happen to be in a relationship with my best friend, who is a total "train wreck." We have been together now for three long years, and I'm temped to leave it for good!!! So this article is great insight for relationships as well.
emmaz
6 months ago
2 comments
I can apply most of these to a family member - as they say - you can choose your friends, but not your family. However, the article was good reading.
galegunder
6 months ago
4 comments
Great reading, especially when you think about how many women like to mix their social lives with work. I think if we consider where we're meeting these toxic friends, we can be a little more discerning in our choices. Making friends too quickly may mean you have to step back and see "why" and "where" it's going. It may be that you don't realize that some people have a hidden agenda. It takes time to make lifelong friends. People like to put their best foot forward; it's accepting their bad behavior that counts, and whether it's against you or they are venting with you. If the new friend is taking things out on you, back away. If your new friend understands and let's you know it's just venting, it's another human side to that person who is trusting you with that side. Just consider what's going on and how that person makes you feel. If it's not good, at the end of the day, back away.
Moon130mm
6 months ago
4 comments
Wow, this article is definitely eye opening. I recently went through that with toxic friends, I had a friend cancel our friendship 3 years ago. I 've always been there for her throughout the years and when I needed her she disappeared. ( Maid of Honor at her wedding, loaned her money, scapegoat for her cheating with boyfriends, etc. etc.) I had a death in the family and was in the hospital after having surgery when she left me. I was hurt for years. Our mutual friends had to choose, not that I told them too, but they knew that she hurt me, and I didn't want to know anything about her.
Fast forward to now, I see that I was a martyr, a doormat, a pleaser. I let people, not just her, take advantage of me. I know now that I was another kind of toxic friend, a doormat is not a true friend, because she needs to be needed. She needs you to want her services and devote your time and energy to her the way that she does for you. That was me. I can admit that I was toxic in that way. I don't excuse her behavior but I understand things from that perspective a little better.
I am having a hard time keeping female friendships, I don't trust people as easily. But I have discernment. I'm learning to create boundaries and be a better friend to myself. Honestly my # 1 friends happen to be my sister, my mother and some cousins. I come from a family with 4 brothers, so I appreciate the male objective but it is cool to have someone to go shopping with.
Thanks for reading.
Moon130mm
6 months ago
4 comments
Wow, this article is definitely eye opening. I recently went through that with toxic friends, I had a friend cancel our friendship 3 years ago. I 've always been there for her throughout the years and when I needed her she disappeared. ( Maid of Honor at her wedding, loaned her money, scapegoat for her cheating with boyfriends, etc. etc.) I had a death in the family and was in the hospital after having surgery when she left me. I was hurt for years. Our mutual friends had to choose, not that I told them too, but they knew that she hurt me, and I didn't want to know anything about her.
Fast forward to now, I see that I was a martyr, a doormat, a pleaser. I let people, not just her, take advantage of me. I know now that I was another kind of toxic friend, a doormat is not a true friend, because she needs to be needed. She needs you to want her services and devote your time and energy to her the way that she does for you. That was me. I can admit that I was toxic in that way. I don't excuse her behavior but I understand things from that perspective a little better.
I am having a hard time keeping female friendships, I don't trust people as easily. But I have discernment. I'm learning to create boundaries and be a better friend to myself. Honestly my # 1 friends happen to be my sister, my mother and some cousins. I come from a family with 4 brothers, so I appreciate the male objective but it is cool to have someone to go shopping with.
Thanks for reading.
cdschu
7 months ago
62 comments
Great article!
I can relate a bit to "ladylivestolove", in that I prefer to be alone than be around a toxic clique! But I do have some great #1 friends who always have my back (& vice versa). This is a great list to help sort out the chaff from people who can be true friends.
To make friends you have to be one. I find getting involved in a group that really means something to you helps you find others you can connect with.
xenonikita
7 months ago
2 comments
This article truly was an enlightening experience for me. I see myself on both sides of the fence; however, I am turning more of a toxic friend due to history and experiences. I would like to know more how to change my behavior. I am sure that admitting my toxic behavior is step one, but what is the next step? I am trapped and do not know how to solve this puzzle. Any help will be greatly appreciated.