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Simple Love Lessons from the Ancient Greeks
What have you learned about love?
Featured Author:
Crystal Hernandez
Crystal Hernandez is a marriage and family therapist with over 16 years in the behavioral health field, with a special interest in women’s issues. The founder of Relating Today, a relational education and coaching business, Crystal is a trained instructor in the Couple Communication Program, which teaches skills of talking, listening, and resolving conflicts. She writes about managing life, marriage, relationships, and — yes — work.
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Crystal Hernandez | Excelle
February 10, 2009
I have always loved Valentine’s Day…the chocolate, the cards, and knowing that I held a very special place in someone’s heart. I’ve learned so much about love over the years from close friends, my partner, and our kids.
For example, I’ve learned that when it comes to love there are times when what you feel matters very little in comparison to what you do. And, that when what you do is aligned with your deepest feelings, it can be life-changing. But some of the most important things I’ve discovered about love comes from the cultural perspective of the ancient Greeks.
When the Greeks spoke of love there were three words used to describe it: eros, philia, and agape. Eros referred to the physical passion of the body and its “intoxicating” pleasure. Philia referred to the love of friendship—and agape—to an unconditional, selfless love.
The way we speak of “love” today in our culture and daily life is very different and restricted by the limitations of the English language. It’s obvious in how we express love…a “love” for automobiles, chocolate, shopping, denim, diamonds, and of course food. We speak of love for family, friends, spouse, and of God.
Agape, alone, offers the best description of love’s true nature relationally. Agape love is :
This definition of love speaks of its unconditional, self-sacrificing, volitional, rational and divine quality. It’s caring for others without expecting something in return. It’s a willingness to sacrifice to help or meet a need. It’s an intentional choice to be available, and a rational rather than emotional consent to put the interest of another ahead of mine. This agape love is what has enabled me to build and nurture my relationships with friends, in marriage, and my family. Agape has helped me to relate well and love well. Its lesson is simply this—that relating well and loving well are two sides of the same coin. Each involves decision making, sacrificing, clear, level-headed thinking, and a willingness to give without regard for self-interest.
Agape has taught me the dignity of love that lies in our ability to give ourselves as a loving gift in the interest and wellbeing of another. And it’s shown me the value of experiencing love as a real discovery of the other person, moving beyond self-centeredness to experience love as concern and care for another. Agape allows me to transcend self-seeking and the very short-lived “sinking in the intoxication” of happiness to truly seek the good of my beloved.
