Excelle

about 18 years ago i was at a party and got way to drunk. I started drinkin at 6pm and the party started at 8pm and i was passed out by 9pm. I was awakened by a man trying to shove his thing in my mouth. and another one doing his thing with me. there were 3 other guys standing in line. I was groggy and started getting loud i guess cuz my friend bust in the door that my so called boyfriend was watching for the men. I dont know why but i felt for a long time that it was my fault because that was the first time i had ever worn a mini skirt. I know that was not the reason and it was messed up. I got gonariea and clemidia and have always been scared of aids. I wish i didnt get drunk! and i have never been able to forget that. it really screwed me up in the head. I turned into a slut because i was so scared that if i didnt give it to them they would take it anyways. It took me over 14 years to realize that it was not my fault and that a real man would not ever take it! It took me 14 years to be able to look in the mirror and be happy with who i saw instead of disgusted. I did tell someone at the time but no charges were ever brought because Job Corps just sent them home to avoid problems, so i never told anyone else...till now. I dont even think i have told my husband. always thought he wouldnt want me if he knew.

I have not been, but my sister was by our "dad". Our parents were divorced when we were young. He always treated her so nice, but was physically & mentally abusive to me. He had her come stay with him where he lived a few times. He took her shopping & to get her belly-button pierced (which was weird bc he freaked even just w/the 1st time my mom got our hair cut). The last time she went to visit, she was 16, and she called hysterical @ 3am for my mom to come get her. It was even harder for her bc his side of the family didn't believe it. He made her sound like a spoiled brat who freaked out & lied bc she didn't get her way abt something. She got married as soon as she was of legal age, never got counseling, and (though she did file a police report) she never testified bc when it came time she was pg & didn't want to deal w/it. She's been thru several flings (before being married), drug addiction, rehab, abusive relationships. I haven't let go of the hate & disgust that I have towards him. I just feel like until she's okay, then I won't let it go eiter. My sister has been through so much because of him. His side of the family still invites him to family g2gethers so we have to see him when he does show up. It is so weird & disgusting to have to see him. I understand why she didn't, but I wish she'd have testified. I just feel that it would make a big difference in her healing.

It is never, EVER your fault. Men who do this are evil, disgusting pieces of shit who should seriosly have their parts cut off or something done to it so they can nvr get an erection again.

I grew up in a very abusive family.  Verbally, sexually and physically.  So when I "fell in love" at 14 you can imagine how much I invested into this 17 year old boy.  I had been molested for years so physically interacting with him was very strange and weird for me and I tried to do alot of things but was clear that I did not want to have sex. 

So I lie to my parents and go with him to a party and drink.  We lock our selves in a room and start making out.  He tells me he wants to lay with me naked and makes it clear that he understands I'm not willing to go all the way.  He gets hot and bothered and holds me down and it's over.  He's in.  At that point I just gave up and layed there.  It was done.  And I let him have sex with me several times that night. I was in shock I think.  I was empty.  I felt like a dumbass for trusting him.  For being so naive to lay naked with him.  I felt betrayed.  I was crushed and hurt and ashamed.  And he solidified for me, for a long time that my body was all the worth I had for males.  I too became promiscuous because once I found myself in the situation where a male I was interested in wanted to have sex with me, I kind of froze up.  Went back to that moment and just let it happen.  It was horrible and I just seemed to lose my voice and couldn't stop it.  I can't explain how that works but it was what I experienced.  It really messed me up and set me on a downward spiral where I let other men mess me up even further for along time.  I'm as healed as I can be at this point though.  Happy.  Sexually healthy.  It does horrible things to the female spirit.

Anonymous says ...

 I kind of froze up.  Went back to that moment and just let it happen.  It was horrible and I just seemed to lose my voice and couldn't stop it.  I can't explain how that works but it was what I experienced.  It really messed me up and set me on a downward spiral where I let other men mess me up even further for along time.  I'm as healed as I can be at this point though.  Happy.  Sexually healthy.  It does horrible things to the female spirit.

I very much understand this! It feels like your screaming NO inside but nothing comes out. and when you think of sex it makes you sick to your stomach....at least it does me.

Keep your head up girlie! You are worth much more than any pleasure they think they are getting!

I have posted elsewhere that I was raped, but here is the whole story.

I was 14 years old, and my family left me alone to finish cleaning since that is my stress relief. My first boyfriend came over. It was not a serious relationship. I knew better as I was only 14 and he was 16. My family knew how I felt; they knew that I thought it was just a social status, not a relationship. He thought otherwise, though I had tried to make my thoughts clear. I'm not sur how much clearer they could have been with "I'm only 14. I'm not even close to interested in a 'real' relationship. That would be stupid at this age."

Well, I let him in thinking he was trustworthy enough since my uncle and brother didn't automatically kill him. (They are both really over protective.) After about 15 minutes or so, I finished my cleaning and sat down with him on the couch. He tried to get closer to me, but I told him that I wasn't interested. I made an excuse of how I had homework to do and asked him to leave. He punched me in the stomach.

I had been taking martial arts for about seven years at this time, so I am quite capable of withstanding a beating. One has to be when they are in those types of sports. Instead of beating him up, I ran. I ran outside because there was a rule in the house about no bloodshed since my brother and I are known to have hot tempers and martial arts training. I ran outside and stopped, but he came after me with a knife. My mind raced. I didn't know what to do, nor where the nearest weapon was. I ran out to the horse barn thinking that there might be something in there I could defend myself with. Nothing.

He came after me, cut my arm then stomach, and forced himself on me. I was awake and aware of everything, including the horse panicking in a nearby stall. I fought back, but he just cut me more and deeper. I didn't want to die, so I gave up briefly. When it was over, I dragged myself back into the house, called an ambulance, and waited. My bother and uncle came home before the ambulance got there and helped me take care of my wounds.

While this incident made me feel vunerable, I sure as hell never let it make me feel worthless. I became stronger, smarter, and better than I was to spite the incident. I made sure to patch up that weak spot.

If you want to know how the story ends with the boy, well, it is probably not something you want to hear. My brother worked for the American CIA. When I told him what happened, I didn't see him for a while. When he came back he said, "You'll never see him again." I looked at him knowingly. I never asked as I never wanted to hear.

It was by my step father...Momma never knew, I was good at keeping secrets... The "grooming" started when I was 3 yrs old. It escladed bit by bit over time, he broke me ...well, took my virginity, when I was 8. It was 2 weeks before my 8th birthday..I got a Dr. Dreadful chemistry set that year! It was fun... I didn't want to tell. I was scared to, he told me he would hurt my momma if I did tell our secret. I had a panic attack in class one day, I was almost 10 then. I finally told. I was allowed to be home til the investigators found all they needed. I wound up, by him,  being pushed off a cliff edge in the rock quarry, not too steep, but because of my size it could have killed me. I went back to school and tried to always be invisable, but one day after school was out, CPS (Child Protective Services) came and took me, right infront of everyone by the busses. I never got over my anger at being away from my mom, I can't protect her if I am not there! I never got to testify because they decided my testimony wasn't good enough because of my age, I'd make up stories. BULL HONKEY!!! He was put in prison when I was 10, at level 3 status. God must hate me, because when he was let out after his sentence, about 2 yrs ago, he was a level 1. I went through Hell and almost death for NOTHING.

Emotionally.

I was 14, a virgin.  In school.....We went to court and he received probation....

then 2 years later was molested by my father...told some friends...it got back to my mom....ran away from home....scared...

wasn't aloud to see my sisters....stayed away....

to this day we don't talk about it...I freak out when I am downstares and my kids are upstairs with their father and I hear them cry or if I see my boyfriend getting to touchy with the kids I asume that something is happening....I know he would never ....it is just that I never really got over it.

Today, I talk to my mom, my sisters, but never about the past....about what happened....And I am still not over it...Its hiden in the closet....

Never to be meantioned.  I just don't understand.....I don't want to understand....I was made to feel in the wrong...Even when I was in school and raped...I was never aloud to discuss it and never really recovered. I guess.

Yes.  I was 17 - the summer before I left for college.  Met this nice guy on a summer camp trip.  We talked and dated.  I was young.  Went over to his apartment - found out then he was a married man.  He beat me up and raped me.  I thought I would pregnant.  He told me to never come to his house again, never call his phone. But I did.  Because if I had gotten pregnant, I would have told everyone what had happened.  I never thought it was my fault, but it was my fault going over to his house.  That's why I never told. I still remember his name, what he looks like and the place where he lived (although all the projects have been torn down now).  Probably wouldn't know who he was if I saw him, but I do remember that it happened.

Anonymous says ...

It was by my step father...Momma never knew, I was good at keeping secrets... The "grooming" started when I was 3 yrs old. It escladed bit by bit over time, he broke me ...well, took my virginity, when I was 8. It was 2 weeks before my 8th birthday..I got a Dr. Dreadful chemistry set that year! It was fun... I didn't want to tell. I was scared to, he told me he would hurt my momma if I did tell our secret. I had a panic attack in class one day, I was almost 10 then. I finally told. I was allowed to be home til the investigators found all they needed. I wound up, by him,  being pushed off a cliff edge in the rock quarry, not too steep, but because of my size it could have killed me. I went back to school and tried to always be invisable, but one day after school was out, CPS (Child Protective Services) came and took me, right infront of everyone by the busses. I never got over my anger at being away from my mom, I can't protect her if I am not there! I never got to testify because they decided my testimony wasn't good enough because of my age, I'd make up stories. BULL HONKEY!!! He was put in prison when I was 10, at level 3 status. God must hate me, because when he was let out after his sentence, about 2 yrs ago, he was a level 1. I went through Hell and almost death for NOTHING.

Hon, God does not hate you. He loves you. We have good and evil in this world. God will make sure he suffers the consequences for what he did to you - whether he feel mental torture, be punished in prison, die a horrible death, or go to hell. My father raped my sister and she couldn't  testify bc of her emotional state. My dad is now a social outsider, most people don't like him - even the ones who have no clue. He also went bankrupt, lost his home, then was fired. I'd love nothing more to see him judicially punished for what he's done, but I can't say he hasn't been punished in several other ways. I truly believe your father will reep what he's sewn.

Anonymous says ...

I found myself in a situation when I was about 18. I was a distance from home and was offered a ride by a guy I knew wanted to date me. I had no interest in him and I told him so I. thought it OK to get in his car, after all, I knew him ,he was home on leave from the service and was part of a popular group of people I knew. Anyway, he did not take me home, he was so arogant, he drove to a popular parking area and started touching me, I quietly kept pushing him away, fighting him and he won. I remember being very angry, I told only one good friend and no one else. He never came near me again. I think the looks I darted his way said enough.

That was 30 years ago. I choose not to hold on to what happened. I didn't ask for what happened and I refused to let him take away my inner-strength.  That was something I had, I knew it and I hid  that awesome part of me from people when I was young . At the time I must have somehow thought being a strong young woman was wrong. Now that I have written this, I think I'll try to understand why I would hide something so good...  AH! It doesn't matter that I hid it, I used it to survive. I still use it today, that inner-strength, and sometimes it shows up on the out side. Most people who know me today see me as strong. I like that.

    Today I have 3 boys all grown up and 4 grandchildren. I have done a lot of good stuff for others and myself over the years. I  used to forget  my accomplishments so  I keep a journal, it reminds me of all the good things that I have been a part of.  It's cool to look back and really see the differences in my life, how I have changed... and it also helps me move forward, I figure I moved forward before, I can keep it up! I love not living in the past.  My journal keeps me in the present and It has me planning for the future.   

We all have the power to choose how we think. How we think dictates our journey. 

 

Did you go to counseling? I understand living in the present. But did it effect your dating life ?

 

 

 

 I have never been raped but have come close to it a few times.  There was a boy in middle school though who would come to my apartment when my mom wasn't home and try to rape me every afternoon.  The first time it happened I was in my moms room watching TV.  I thought nothing of him coming through the bedroom door because he was also my older brothers close friend and my brother was in the house.  I heard the door close and he attacked me trying to put his hand down the front of my pants.  I screamed and punched him in the face and ran to the door.  When I tried to open the door I couldn't because someone was on the other side of it holding it shut.  I thought it was another boy from the neighborhood so I screamed for my brother to come get me.  Instead I heard my brothers voice on the other end of the door laughing and saying no.  Thats when I really freaked out.  I was locked in that bedroom for 10 minutes fighting with this kid but it felt like days.  My brother, and another boy from the neighborhood finally opened the door when they saw blood coming from underneath the door way.  I had smashed this kids face into the door repeatedly trying to get out.  I went through this every afternoon with this kid for 2 months and I still to this day have not received an apology from my brother.  I still have bite marks on my body from where I was attacked.

The next year, when I moved in with my father in another county, 5 boys in that neighborhood tried to rape me in the woods at the same time.  I was stupid for going out there but I was a tom boy, had low self esteem and didn't think that any boys liked me despite what had happened the year before.  Two of them held my arms behind my back while the others tried to take my clothes off.  Since I was little, they underestimated how strong I was and didn't hold on as tightly as they should have.  I managed to knock out the two holding me, kicked another in the groin and ran home as fast as I had ever ran in my life.  I asked the boys years later why they had done that and they really could not give me an answer but they apologized.

Regarding the story above, my brother told me a few years ago when I asked him why he did that, that he did not realize that I was the one calling for help.  Knowing my reputation my brother locked the kid in there with me because the kid was always talking about rapping me and my brother bet him that I would kick his ass.  He was right but, since he was like 12, he didn't seem to even think about the effect that event would have on me.  My point is, and this does not go for MEN who have abused women, that some times these boys don't even realize that they are destroying some one's life.  Yes, they can be that stupid.  

Yes. More than once. I became an escort, (prostitute) at 17. Actually, it started at 15 by my older brothers friends. 3 if I remember correctly. Alcohol was involved and to this day I don't remember details. It's kind of like a film I saw in the distant past. So growing up with a mother with a mental illness and extreme alcohol addiction I was afraid to seek assistance. I thought being strong and not trusting people would be enough to get me through life and onto a successful path. Not so! Life was so horrible at home that I stayed away as much as possible, always going after men much older so that I would have someone to take care of me and provide shelter. Stupid me. I began selling myself through men on phone chat lines, internet chat rooms and through word of mouth. I was 17 and had just gotten my license. I thought I was a big shot, getting paid to do nothing in my eyes. See, by this point in my life I had already detached myself emotionally from any acts of intimacy or sexual relations. There were a zillion factors which led up to this detachment, which I'll save for if I ever tell a therapist. By the age of 18, I had long forgotten/ lost count of how many Men I had serviced for money. In my eyes, I was doing it to help myself achieve a better life and to help my younger siblings have food, clothes, etc. I also worked at a major retail chain Part time since age 15, and so this was my second secret job. To make a very very long story short, I have been raped and forced to do things that I refused and held against my will when trying to flee. I'm guessing by about 3 clients, 2 supposed close friends who were providing me with shelter and at least 3 of my brothers friends. Altogether I equate to a lesson never learned, or maybe I just at that time was so easily detached from even my own feelings. I seem to remember being able to leave my physical body and focus on meditation. This was a trick I had learned as a young child when Mom was abusing us. Anyhow- I turned out to be a very good person. I am currently in an abusive marriage to a man 30 years my sr., but working my butt off to get on my feet and finally take responsibility for my life. I am 28 now and feel as if I've been through the ringer. I have been in therapy for about a year but not for rapes or my childhood, just to address the abuse in my marriage. I devote my life to helping people who don't always have the knowledge or ability to help themselves. I make hardly over minimum wage and live in a very expensive state. I could never possibly afford rent without a second income and so I am searching in all of my fee time! I'm willing to scrub floors, toilets, wipe rear ends, do almost ANYTHING to get ahead and finally embrace a healthy life that I and every decent being deserves. Sorry for the rant, I have never typed or really talked about this and so it's jumbled....

I was raped when I was twenty three.  I was at work (I worked late nights while I was in college) I filed charges and prosecuted.  It took almost a year to drag him to court, only to have him try the insanity plea.  During the procedings I found out he had pulled this same "act" before.

Because I was at work this was tied to my work record as a workmen's comp.  He went tp prison and I wound up in a different sort of prison.

This tied to my work record, and of course for years every time I interviewed some HR person thought it was their right to PRY.  I got through the nightmares, the parinoid feeling of never being safe....... eventually.  But I never dated after that, or marrried and have an incredibly hard time trusting anyone as a result.

Don't wait, get conseling it has take me almost 30 years to put my life back together.  The conselors said victims tend to go one of two ways............  become  promiscuous or withdrawn.