Excelle

Angie,

I feel for you and your family. It is a very tough decision to be involved in an interracial relationship. I have been with my better half for 5 years. I am white and he is black. We have a beautiful son together he's 2 going on 3. My relationship has been an on going roller coaster not only with all the racist people in our community but the struggles between his family and mine. I have a daughter from a previous marriage she's 16 years old and still has not adapted. His children don't accept me being in his life either but he manages to balance his time with them and keep the peace.

My parents both were born and raised in Upper Michigan area where there was primarily white communities. They had great fear for themselves and their children when they moved to a major city in Michigan so my father could get work to support his 5 children at the time ( 7 children total in my family). My parents moved out of the city in the late 60's due to the rioting and made sure that their children were protected from the "inner-city life" by moving to a saggrogated area another  primiarly white community. I was therefore raised to be a racist person yet I was never limited in my sight. Thank the Lord that I was different from the rest! Maybe it was because of the multicultured High School or the 8 years in the Travel industry that kept my eyes wide open especially with my travels.

After my terrible divorce I met a wonderful caring man who respects me and treats me like a person. We had talked in depth about the shock of my family before he met them. I explained exactly who I was and where I came from. I believe it is our open communication and respect for each other that has kept us together. I give anyone credit in their strenght to maintain this type of relationship. My family still doesn't understand why I would be involved with this person but they are starting to see him for who he is. It has been a long journey but it is possible.

I cried when Barack Obama took office as the next President of the US because I know that he has set a path for our son to be all he can be. Our son is not bond by the chains of hatred that exist for his father and me. He is the future. He is American. He will always be himself. God Bless America for giving us all this freedom!

P.S. My son's (white) grandma (my mother) called the day after the election and said that maybe her grandson had a chance at the Presidency since Barack won. What she didn't realize is that he always had a chance she didn't see it till that moment like his father and I. Time for change! 

-Shari

Most of my adult life my relationships have been exclusively interracial.  My parents were good baptists from Texas and yes...they had a hard time with it.  My grandparents tried to bribe me in college saying they'd pay for my college if I would just date whites.  Let's just say we didn't talk much for a while after that.

I can honestly say that depending upon where you live, racism can be life-threatening in some zip codes and almost nonexistent in others.  For over 20 years I have lived in California and there is no way you'd ever get me to move back to Texas.   I have family there that I love because they are family, but I do not like them as people.  I used to joke that there are parts of America that simply has not "evolved" in many ways.

In college I was in charge of the foreign student exchange dorm.  I loved seeing and sharing their various cultures.  Later in life I have encouraged those who have immigrated to the US to try to keep some of their traditions.  As a "generic, plain-label" white American girl with ties to our country's forefathers, my culture has become generic.   My family has made an effort to start new traditions as unique as we are.  In blended new families I think this is important.  Creating new is just as important as keeping the old traditions.

This is a sad topic to me. Why is it people will judge interracial relationships but overlook abusive ones? I have seen certain people judge others because of who they love when their best friends are abusing each other and they look the other way? I have no problem with interracial relationships and only wish them the best. We can't always choose who we fall in love with but should have the right to love them regardless! Without judgement!

Interesting thread -- My husband was born and raised in Tokyo - his mother is Japanese and his dad travelled so much it was easier just to keep the family in Japan.  His first language is Japanese - he learned English off of the tv (!!!).  I would hear him answer the question how he'd overcome culture shock once he came stateside by responding with -- I was over it on the bus ride to university.  To which I'd silently laugh 'cause we still (after 30 yrs) deal with the cultural differences everyday.

More than race - it's the cultural differences that can cause heartaches in the relationship.  It takes work - understanding and respect.

The rest of it?  Some people find it easy to ridicule what they don't know - it's the meanest, ugliest part of being human - so it's clear we still have a long way to go. 

The kids though - wow - beautiful, smart - wonderful!

cindyleimkuehler says ...

McKaren - please tell me you are kidding!  I can't understand why people make this such an issue. I'm sorry, I need to stop before I say something mean. I will pray for you that all the "ignorant" people come to their senses!

? By all means -- enlighten me.

This is a strange topic for me. I am southern and for most of my life have been ridiculed for being racist without people really knowing that I am not. I don't see color and frankly never understood why people were so judgemental, preoccupied with differences. Anyone can have a healthy relationship regardless of background, color, family, heritage, or where they live. Love has no boundaries. I have happily been with a man for 7 years that is half black and half German. In any relationship communicating what you want in a relationship and expect has to be brutally honest. It doesn't matter what race you are, families don't always get along or see things the same way. It is ironic that we say that interacial relationships bring problems between families but we hardly speak of other reasons families have issues or problems. All kinds of things can get in the way, even stupid things like to choose to have children or not, adopt, religion, names of the first born, income, occupation, education, or just simply personality differences. We can be outsiders to our own family without any racial issues being a part of it. When it comes to children the same is true, you have to be brutally honest about everything even if race isn't the issue at all. If you make race an issue then you are a leader in keeping racisim alive. In my first marriage I married a white man and asked my best friend whom was black to be my maide of honor. Everyone told me it was wrong but I ignored them and she was in my wedding anyway. She was the only black person there but we didn't care. It was my wedding and she was my best friend so she had every right to be there. It was a shock of course but they were forced to take a look at her and saw her for who she was and not her color. My ex didn't turn out to be a nice guy and I have been ridiculed because I was in an abusive marriage. I have been judged by many things in my life from my marriage, my faith, my weight, choosing to go to college late in life, chossing to leave the south, and numerous other things. All i know is that The love of my life is my best friend and he knows me better than anyone. He isn't white and I don't care. Our relationship is healthy. I am not oblivious to racism but I have found that words are just words and have no meaning if you truly believe in each other. People stare, they make remarks, they even try and stop you from doing some things together and the way you prove them wrong is by standing beside each other and showing them that you truly love and belong to each other. You smile and you are happy. It seems simple but positive energy does move on to others over any negative. The turning factor is keeping the positive brighter. We told each other in detail what we wanted, expected, believed, shared goals, and discussed kids in detail. I have known some very beautiful children in my life and the only ones that are racist are the ones that have been taught to be by their own parents. My family and I have never seen eye to eye on anything. Race wasn't the culprit, it was simply that I was different.   I shared how I felt with them about my man. I shared who he was and how better I was for being with him. I shared that he is my soulmate. I have family that have little to do with me but being myself had more to do with that than being with my partner. To think that everyone in your life will accept you is ridiculous and false. People are judgemental regardless of who you are or who you are with. Stay true to yourself regardless of what other people think. Love whom you love without a care as to what anyone in the world thinks. Follow your heart and it will lead you where you belong no matter what road you choose or whom you choose to take the road with. It isn't a problem unless you make it one. We choose not to make it a problem and so it simply isn't. I guess for some of you, having children in an interracial relationship seems problematic but it isn't anything different than just being problematic beacuse you are raising children. Children bring joy but they also bring about issues from religion, culture, values, morals, how and when to discuss sex, drugs, relationships, and everything in between. Why make race more of an issue over anything else. There is no true singular guide to raising kids. Kids can be brutal and mean to each other without race even being a factor. They find fault somewhere regardless of who you are. You can be smart, fat, thin, cute, gorgeous, rich, poor, shop at walmart over shoppping at Macy's. The list can go on and on. Just be honest. Sounds simple but I think that is what people miss the most. There are always problems regardless of your situation or relationship or color. It is all about how you deal with it and what you reflect back on others. If anyone has any humanity in them at all, if you are honest and you show them your true self they will see you for who you are. If they don't then they lost out on an opportunity to say that they once knew you. Talk to your daughter about relationships, healthy relationships, and what is important in keeping it healthy. The rest will come. Let her know you love her and believe in her. Let her know your heart is open to her heart and whatever she brings into it. Love your daughter and love her for hte choices she makes. Be proud of her for looking beyond the shell and into the true self of others. Let her know that getting to know the inside of someone is where the truth lies and where the beauty really belongs.

This thread reminds me of an old episode of Star Trek...no moans please...it was the episode where half of a planet was white on the right and black on the other.side of their bodies..and the other half of the planet was flipped the other direction with black on the right side and white on the other.  Literally...all of them half of each color.  

My parents had raised me with the belief that we are all God's children and he sees us all the same. I remember asking them why this episode was such a big deal and my parents tried to explain, because each side thought they were right...but my  little brother that was only 5 at the time hit it on the nose when he said..."All they have to do is look in the mirror and see that they are all the same!"

Ironically when my parents were faced with my first boyfriend and he happened to be black...they had a hard time dealing with it.  SO I guess what I am saying is this...even though my father was a Baptist Minister and taught everyone that we are all brothers under God...he himself had trouble with it.  Later in life he said that fear of wondering what I'd be faced with and that of my children were his biggest concern...it is the ignorance of others which breeds racism.

I had  many medical students over the years.. but one was soft spoken and seemed a little timid.  She asked if she could come see me after her last day and we sat down for what I thought was a request for a letter of recommendation.  She wanted nothing more than to thank me for treating her like everyone else.  Why would I treat her differently?  I treated her as I treated all my students, with dignity and respect.   She showed me a little picture of a little boat and a tiny face circled in a crowd.   Her mother had shaved her head and dressed her as a little boy, put her on this boat with another sister and a brother, with every penny they had and paddled towards America.  She lost the sister to pirates and the brother to starvation...but she survived.  One of our Navy boats found them almost dead and brought them to the US after getting well in the Philippines. 

Many Americans do not understand the life and death struggle that many make just to get here.  This woman has paid taxes and worked hard all her life to be a productive citizen of America.  I think some of the racial problems are stemmed from old ways of thinking and simply not understanding.  Americans that have never traveled abroad have no idea how good we have it here.  I think sometimes it is called a "racial thing" when it is often something regarding "immigration" and has nothing to do with race or religion. 

Our economy is in the tank and we are going to see and hear some really ugly things in the media, from our neighbors, and even our leaders.  We have not evolved much of we cannot look beyond color and see the problem for what it really is...and it has nothing to do with color or religion...it is education.

I agree Whimsey4you! Bravo!

The more educated someone is about other cultures and religions, the more chance for understanding and acceptance, and hopefully even appreciation.

Horror movies use darkness or fog usually, so that they can set a spooky scene, lower visibility means more vulnerabilty. We fear the unknown, things we are unable to see... so if we turn a light on or find a way to clear the fog, we wont be so afraid or vulnerable! 

Also, I love the comment that your brother made about looking in the mirror to see that we are all the same- just beautiful, thank you for sharing.

cindyleimkuehler says ...

Karen, all I meant is that I find it difficult to believe that people make it an issue because your husband is Japanese. I guess I was raised different than a lot of people because I don't see where the difference would be other than which part of the world a person was born and raised. We are all Gods creatures and should all be treated equally. I guess I am ignorant also, or more so, naieve, I didn't realize there was still so much racism out there. It is very sad.

It is sad - when my husband first went to work at his company (he's been there now for 30 yrs) he spent the first 5 years watching his friends get promoted over him - turns out his Dept Head had a problem with his "looks" - once the guy had an opportunity to work with my husband directly he actually apologized to him - and he went out of his way after that - to treat him fairly.

The flip side of that - when we were first married my husband's friend came to visit us - 2nd generation Japanese - (he so proudly declared to me) - while we were talking - he turned to my husband in front of me - and said he would never marry a "white" woman.

I'm like you - though - I see the differences in people - I was raised to celebrate those differences - we don't judge the cover -- it's what's inside that counts anyways - and different doesn't mean better - it just means different - and past these differences - we are all actually the same - just human.

One of my caucasion frineds just had a baby with her Jamaican boyfriend. GORGEOUS GORGEOUS Baby! They feel that they experience racism on a different level than one would merely assume never having been in an interacial relationship. Interesting what we assume to know when not having lived through it ourselves. Good reminder for me.

I agree with you Cindy in one sense -- the best thing to do (as any of us can do) is to not give any energy to a negative topic like "racism".   That being said -- I'm all about sharing the info - and if having an honest, frank discussion about racism informs anyone - well - that's a good thing, after all - information is power (to change).

Hey Angie,

I'm glad you posed this question.  Sometimes I like to speak on this issue and other times, I do not wish to. The reason being, is that it should not be an "issue" any longer.  As one person stated "to each their own" and am glad that they stated that. She tried and it did not work out, does that mean she is racist?  NO...... I can't blame Angie about asking the question if that is not what she was raised around.  This is something new to a lot of families, and this post should go out to open ones minds to the possiblities.  As my previous post in "new level of nastiness", I informed individuals about the racism I experienced with strangers, but have came across ones in my own family. I come from a blended family, my mother: Phillipino & Causcasion and my father: African American.  I was raised/taught as being a human being instead of a "nationality" due to the responses that was received on both sides of my parent's family.  My mother and father felt best to educate me on the struggles that ALL nationalites came across through the years, and allowed me to make my own decision/opinion about this issue.  Yes, you will get looks from others and sly remarks, but so what!!!!  If you knew what I went through just a few years ago, you would not belive me, but I don't let that hold me back to keep moving on up!

My husband is black and I am white, I will not say there are not challenges, there are. I never dated a black man, I never thought of it , he was just the man I fell in love with. My children from my previous marriage never flinched, they loved him too. My grandchildren are latin. The problems are from society, stares, sometimes even comments. My husband once asked early in our relationship if I knew what I was getting into. Some people would not understand that are in my life. I told him those people were not worrying about. I was right. I cant be bothered with the close minded.

I have heard it said many, many times and it is true. "We cannot help who we fall in love with"

I say to each and every one of you having to deal with these issues, you are amazing and stronger than most! There are too many people in today's society that would not have an interracial relationship simply because of the pressure put upon them so for those of you who can survive it, you are truly blessed!

Skeebo~

What did you go through a few years ago? I'd love to know.  I hope it has made you stronger!  Thanks for sharing so much of your inner most feelings.

~Angie