Excelle

hey all....i just happen to be in a relationship where my husband is just so controlling!! after several years of trying to find out what annoys him...i have come to the conclusion that it could be anything!! i think its the male defence mechanism for dealing with independant minded women in their lives.

any suggestions on how to deal with it?

Men are just trying to find out how they fit in with you.  They want to be able to play their part.  What does she need from me is a question that all men ask themselves.

Your sentence, "He is so controlling!",  concerns me. Wow, his behavior seems to border on mental abuse. Cece offered some clues that are warning signs. Always be vigilant, and if the situation escalates, have an escape plan. If counseling does not improve your husband's patterns of behavior, you can seek help from a women's center or social services.

cece03 says ...

It depends on the controlling nature. If he monitors your friends as far as who you can and can't speak with or throws wedges between you and your family members.. He needs counseling.. That is the beginning phase.... He controls u however is still nice..(honey moond phase) If you do not put an end to that type of treatment, eventually after a few yrs. and u get fed up and try to change things he might get physical. Controlling does not nessesarily mean trying to fix u. 85% percent of the time, women actually try to fix the men that are controlling them. They try to show them that you can love someone and not restrict them from socializing. Usually it does not work out though. Usually u end up doing the complete opposite. You start to try and prove to them that you could obey what they say. That u are good at following their direction.. Almost like what a dog does with their owner striving for their attention... A dog starts to learn commands when the owner provides a little positive feed back when it listens... The dog tries harder for the positiveness, however the more the dog tries the more the positive feed back does not happen.

Good Luck

Also please do not think I am comparing you to a dog. I am just trying to give an example how easily when we try to improve things it can get the best of anything or anyone.

It's not about trying to get them out of problems. It is more about trying to help before a problem occurs. Some scenarios are just scenarios in severe circumstances. Not everthing is to that extent however it can be and it is just awareness.

wow....honestly ..i am really impressed!! u guys are great...so many replies. thank you so much for caring..and ofcourse for ur words of advice..equal to gold for me. yes i have told him that the only option we have other than seperating is to go for therapy. and thankfully he has agreed. i'v found a few marital therapy councellors and will let him pick one. i really hope something works...coz the life i'm living in now is hell!

not only is he controlling but has been (in the past) verbally and emotionally abusive and at times mildly physically..like holding me tight, twisting my arm ...gosh just thinking abt it makes me shiver..and feel like screaming that i'm still living with him!!! and mind you.both of us are highly educated...i never ever could have imagined myself to be a victim of abuse... and yes like all other controlling men he thinks its all my fault..saying..."i do this because you frustrate me so much..and that you hurt me more... emotionally"  i should know better than that.

plus if this isn't enough he is also extremely self centred and manipulative...and really i think i simply hate him...

so why am i living with him??????????...because silly me...i realize this after 5 years of marriage and one lovely 7mth old son... 

Controlling men are drawn to certain personality types - they are like vampires who can smell you a mile away. There are different types of controlling men - verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. That physical abuse can manifest itself in stalking, battery and other criminal behavior.

My advice is end the relationship - kids or not - his controllingness will eventually affect your self-esteem. Or your children's self-esteem - and don't think for a minute that they don't see this negative behavior pattern going on. Life is too short to tolerate this.

Autumn....ur situation is quite like mine. and i feel really glad for u that u have no children. 3 years ago we were in a similar crisis situation and i had totally made up my mind abt seperating and infact felt optimistic abt my future wid someone else, but for some reason..i guess they call destiny, we decided to make things work....even though we ddin't go for any therapy..my hubby said he didn't believe in it. things did get somewhat better and at one point i was hopeful abt our future which is why we planned the baby. but alas we are now much worse. a friend of mine here who also knows my husband, did advice that people don't just change on their own and that she had noted my hubby to be manipulative and controlling and that he may not change. i guess i didn't take it seriously. now i feel pathetic!

also to give u hope...2 of my friends after 4 and 2 years of marriage, decided enough was enough and divorced. they didn't have children either. they are now both with their 2nd partners, one married and expecting her 1st child and the other going to get married pretty soon and both of them are quite happy and have no regrets abt their decision.

good luck to you in whatever path u choose.

Wow, I am so impressed by the sensitivity and understanding that you have given to your women friends. You are all correct. You can't change his being controlling, but most men are intimidated by successful and forthright women. Oddly. though,they want you to be successful, but they do not find it sexy. So, how can you win?It is your right and duty to yourself to speak up for your needs. If he is mentally abusive and does not participate, or fights unfairly, then you do have a real problem.It seems that men have this wired in need to be in control of everything, including the women in their lives...maybe his parents were that way. Communication is the key, but you need to get him to think about why he needs to control you. A true relationship is a team and a binding equal love between you. There is no space is there for one person to "control" anything but themselves. He can chose to go and speak to someone, a councilor, religious person, friend and gain some insight as to where this is coming from. You need to take care of yourself emotionally, and you are! Look at all of the wonderful words that these women are sending to you with their love for you.We all love you for who you are and stand by you!!!

Verdaria says ...

Controlling men are drawn to certain personality types - they are like vampires who can smell you a mile away. There are different types of controlling men - verbally, emotionally and physically abusive. That physical abuse can manifest itself in stalking, battery and other criminal behavior.

My advice is end the relationship - kids or not - his controllingness will eventually affect your self-esteem. Or your children's self-esteem - and don't think for a minute that they don't see this negative behavior pattern going on. Life is too short to tolerate this.

This is all so true. But just as the abuser is drawn to the abused and/or vulnerable person, in many cases, so  the abused/vulnerable person is also drawn to an abuser. I was not completely aware of my relationships' patterns until my second time into an abusive relationship. Only after seperating from my husband did I fully realize the impact of having an abusive father. Many who haven't been through it think that it is so simple to stop these patterns. Although the abusive parent may not be knowingly doing so to their child (assuming they've gone through the same or worse as a child), they are manipulating and brainwashing their children - causing a totally different mindset than what a child in a mentally healthy family would have. As a result, this will often create an abuser or someone who is accustomed to abuse.

At some point, if you are the abuser or abused, you realize that the pattern in your life is messed up and you don't completely know how to change it - that's when you need counseling. Choosing not to receive some sort of counseling is in my opinion the worst mistake. This is what leads to the terrible outcomes of horrible physical and mental beatings and sometimes death.

That said, we have much better systems in place for the abused (although it could use improvements), but most often, the solution for breaking the cycle of the abuser is restraining orders or jail - which only delays the inevitable and allows the abuser to abuse again and again.

Counseling and/or Group Therapy is most often the only way to break the cycle of the abuser/abused.

In reality, no one (both men and women)  should controlling anyone  , or let's say overcontrolling.  I don't like it either.  It goes to the old

golden rule treat others of how you should be treated.  As far as men as concern  I am pretty ashamed of their parents of how they brought

him up.  Of course it could be his underlying problem he had a overcontrolling parent when growing up and throught it was ok in a

realationship.  

I was very lucky in my marriage, my ex never controlled me, other then our poltical views.  Again in my view, if the guys don't

like independent women tough it's their problem.  Don't you ever, ever let your independence be taken away from you whatsover.  Men who don't like women that are independent are threaten mainly because their own self esteem is low .  And yes they do need counsleing and they need to be told that this is wrong to control or over control or interfere with either wives or kids lives. They have to worry about their own life and not someone elses.  Whether it be parents or spouses who control or over control are trying to live through their wives or kids to take back what they lost.  They may or may not realize that they are taking away their own spouses life and their kids and it is wrong.

 When growing up I remember my mom was trying to live through my life in my horse hobby, but I told her that she does not need to do that and I am doing this hobby because I enjoy doing it, but I don't want to be pushed or pressured just because she wants it.  She was very unhappy when I told her this, but lucky for me my dad agreeed with me and told mom what she is doing is wrong.  anyway, it gives you a little insight. 

But don't be afraid to stand up for your self. you have that right and you feel that you are unfairly threatened then go to a womens shelter and get help.  and also got to the Domestic unit of  your Police Department and they will help you get a counsler and or advocate for you.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Take care

Gap50_75 (Virginia )

Since you have a child involved, your strategy will need to be a little different than if there were none. I completely understand why you just finally came to this realization, I lived with an emotionall, verbally, and mildly physically abusive man for almost 3 years and it wasn't until our daughter was born that I realized I could no longer stay in that environment. It's unfortunate that as women we often don't see what is in front of us until our maternal protective instincts kick in, but let me assure you: it will never get better, it will only get worse. The day I left, he punched a hole in the wall next to my head. I think he was going for my face but I flinched and he missed. It has been a little over 3 years since that day, and now he wants to be involved in his daughters life and I'll tell you that what I regret most was not legally documenting everything that happened at the time I left. I am now extremely concerned with how his abusive and manipulative behavior will affect her fragile little psyche, and trust me it will. Even at a young age she has always been sensitive to raised voices and gets extremely upset if she sees someone so much as arguing and I believe it's because of what she was exposed to for the first month of her life. My advice would be to take your son to a safe place - maybe your parents or a family members - before telling him you are leaving. He may try to take your son and keep him as a bartering tool. Do not put anything past someone who is controlling, you really never know what their capable of it til it happens. When you are ready to leave, tell him in an unwavering tone that is what you are doing. Keep your cell phone in your hand so you can call 911 if necessary. If it escalates into an argument, stay calm, do not let him get you upset, and call the police and ask them to help you. They can't force him to leave if the house is in his or both your names, but the can stand guard while you gather what you need immediately and allow you to leave safely. You should then go to the police department and file a report stating EXACTLY what transpired, including conversations, word for word. If he made any threats, no matter how vague, about you or your son, file an emergency restraining order. I realize that all this may seem like extreme measues, but in the long run you are giving yourself the upper hand for the divorce and custody battle that will ensue. If you have written or filed proof of his abusive behavior, you have nothing.

I am so glad the women in this forum are willing to be open; one extremely controlling man I know, I avoid him like the plague but more than that, I don't acknowledge his controlling advances.

No matter my answer, there is conflict almost all ways and it boils from his of lack of self control over his everyday life. I don't how else to say it; a man or woman controls another or tries to, when they have limited self control or fear losing control over another aspect of their lives.

The behavior, it's not a question of vulnerability it's a question of power over another; I tend to think.

Keep track of the intimidation, threats or harm as gypsyrose sugggested.

I just ended a relationship with a man who put all of his problems on me...nothing was ever enough..I was with him four years through thick and then..he is an alcoholic and addict.   I love the beautiful side of him but had to walk away...not that I wanted to, I had to in order to save myself and preserve what shred of self-esteem I have left.  Yes, I feel an emptiness and sadness but I realized that thngs would probably never change...I couldn't be my true self with him.. I couldn't live free in my own right.  This is not a heart decision, it is a mind decision...thank God I never married him or moved in with him.  Yes, the healing process will take awhile but there is no turning back now. I am tempted to go back for the good and the comforts but logic keeps me from it.  We need to think instead of feel sometimes.

 I met my husband in high school, got married right after college and 15 yrs and 3 children later, I'm hanging on by a thread. My husband is soooo controlling. We've been in and out of counseling for years and I'm frustrated beyond what should be acceptable. My parents begged me not to marry him, my friends warned me not to go down this road but I refused to  listen, and now I'm paying an incredible price. I'm stuck and I don't know how to leave. He will not let me work "because of the home responsibilities" of raising 3 children (and he makes plenty). I let go of my certifications ( I taught elementary school and had specialty certifications to boot), I have not a dime in the bank. He has a great deal of wealth, property, and businesses. If I tried to leave, he has enough "power" and finances to keep my children and send me packing. He wants control of every area of my life... he thinks he gives me some freedom by not making up a schedule for me during  the day but God forbid he come home and something be out of place or his underwear not be placed neatly in the drawer. I can't go see my family when I want (it's a 35 minute drive), I can't miss an event that he wants to attend, I can't go on a bike ride with a friend on a Saturday for a few hours because Saturday is family time. If  I make a minor decision regarding our children (like to buy them an icy today because it's special or to go to the beach because they are off of school), I get "told off" for not consulting him. He flipped out because I purchased our son an inexpensive cross necklace because he felt like that was a decision we both should make (I RARELY take my children shopping and NEVER get them anything out of the box). He gripes at me for spending too much time doing yard work and he gripes at me when the yard gets out of hand and doesn't look maintained. I tell you all this to say, your baby is young enough now for you to RUN girl. RUN as fast as you can... Get a lawyer, get some counsel and get out before it is too late. I am here enduring for the sake of my children (he controls them by manipulation and anger tactics also) but I have no means of providing a life for them away from this house. I waited too long thinking I was being submissive. I now realize I have spent many years being a doormat or a dishrag. My husband is a selfish, unhappy fraud. One day it will all get exposed. The day my last child leaves, I will follow.