General Forums >> Sex & Relationships >> I need a hug!
I need a hug!
2 posts back to top |
Posted 6 months ago
I need a hug!
I’ll try to make this as short as possible but some background is necessary. I’ve been married for 18 years. This is my second (if you don’t count marring the first guy twice) and his first marriage. I have kids and grandkids from the first marriage and none from this one. Very soon after we got married my husband’s work dried up. For various reasons, we decided to move from California (where we’d lived all of our lives) to Montana. We were pretty successful there for 14 years and for the most part very happy.
But the weather and my desk job were killing me! My life consisted of pain (from an old car accident) and the relief of pain. Constant and severe back pain had me spending thousands of dollars going to massage therapists, acupuncturists, and chiropractors. I was popping pain pills and freezing ice packs, smoking extra packs of cigarettes and drinking like a fish so I wouldn’t feel the pain.
About 5 years ago I decided that it just wasn’t worth it. I had dreams about giving up every material thing I owned and living in a hammock on a beach in Mexico (I have dual citizensip). I started studying for a new career that would allow me to work from home, perhaps in Mexico. I still kept my highly stressful day job during this time. When I first talked about moving to Mexico everyone, including my husband thought I was either joking or crazy. I don’t even like spicy food!
Then one day I mentioned the idea of Mexico to some people I worked with. I told them my husband thought it was a pipe dream. One of the lawyers I worked for said “The only difference between a pipe dream and reality is a plan”. This is now my motto for life!
After about two years of this my husband agreed to give it a try. For more than a year we talked about it. We told our friends that we wanted to move to Mexico. We just had to wait until my freelance business started gaining some ground. We talked about it some more. I continued studying. I got a few copywriting gigs. Things were taking shape. But everyone wanted to know “what will (name of husband omitted) do in Mexico?” We just said we’d figure it out.
When things really started happening is when we started preparing our condo to sell it. The stress levels went through the roof! There was lots of work to do and the market sucked. We both had to stop smoking in the house. Now, in Montana, that can be a challenge to say the least. I got so fed up with going out to my freezing garage for a smoke that I went to a hypnotist to stop smoking. It worked for awhile.
Okay – I’ll cut to the chase. We arrived in Mexico a little more than 2 months ago. I have my home office set up and have been looking for copywriting work. Husband on the other hand wants only to smoke pot, drink beer and socialize. Yes, he’s learning Spanish faster than I am because he spends his days hanging around with the locals while I am in my tower trying to find a way to support us! Husband is constantly nagging me to get out and go places with him, and is jealous of every minute I spend at this computer.
He made a deal to privately buy some land from a guy he met and started giving him money with no paperwork, no receipts, no knowledge that this guy actually owns the land he is trying to sell us. My objections have been ignored and the money is still flowing to this guy! Husband tells me he is going to build a “hut” (my word, not his) for us to move into. I say Whoa! And for this I am criticized for not being visionary enough.
We are living off the proceeds from the sale of our condo and believe me it’s not that much. I’ve already taken $20K from my retirement to pay the billsand I'll have to take out more very soon. Yes you can live cheaper in Mexico, but you still can’t live for free!
We are fighting constantly. I am ready to give up and return to California. Husband says he’s never going back, he LOVES MEXICO! But nothing about our life (or relationship) is even remotely the same. He used to be attentive and caring. Primarily because of the back pain, he took care of almost everything that needs to be done to run a household. He cooked, he did dishes, he vacuumed. I took care of the financial end of things. Now he leaves most everyday soon after he takes his morning BM and I never know where he is or when he’ll be back. He has pulled some pretty stupid (and extremely dangerous) stunts since he’s been here because he “trusts” everyone.
I am so depressed, I am having suicidal thoughts. I’m just too chicken to take a bunch of pills with a bottle of vodka. Part of me wants to just to make husband feel bad for treating me badly (the bitter details of which I am not including here, but are all too real). Part of me acknowledges that I have failed to “make it” as a copywriter, as husband constantly reminds me. Intellectually I am aware that suicide is a way of punishing those around you, but the only person I want to punish is husband, not mother sister, kids, grandkids etc. Can’t havbe it both ways.
The ironic thing is that when I think about suicide, or even just leaving the bum to make it on his own in Mexico, I think about all the things he doesn’t know how to do for himself. Like banking, and bill paying and driving in traffic and contacting the phone company, or dealing with immigration issues.
I’ve read some of the threads in this forum and got a good feeling about the support given here. So how about it ladies (and gents?) I need a hug!
On the edge in Mexico.
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54 posts back to top |
| Posted 6 months ago I not in a position to give advice, but I can certainly give hugs! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((carmen)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Someone wiser than I will be along shortly, I'm sure. Jennifer Mitchell
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197 posts back to top |
| Posted 6 months ago HEY GIRLIE.... I'M SENDING YOU A HUG. HANG IN THERE. I LOVE YOU. YOU CAN'T GIVE UP NOW!!! YOU HAVE THINGS TO DO GOD JUST HASN'T TOLD YOU YET. BLESS YOU MY FRIEND... CHERI |
13 posts back to top |
| Posted 6 months ago u need professional help. girl..pls seek a therapist ...better still a mental health professional. ur hubby might be drug abusing and therefore making bad decisions. he might be spending all the money procuring drugs...impaired judgement. even if hubby doesn't agree to ..u might want to return back to the US...seek help from family and friends. u did have great career all through...don't sweat if one thing didnt work out..life is about learning fom mistakes....we keep making them all through...but its important to take action once u realize them....
again get help...please...
and lots and lots of hugs....DO NOT think of suicide....u will not be getting back at ur hubby....thats what one thinks.....u will only be losing ur own life......u are too precious..... |
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2 posts back to top |
| Posted 5 months ago I typed into google ' I need a hug' and found your post :) quite a story there... Once we hit rock bottom.... and feel suicidal.... it might help to look outside for a bit... That is what I try to do... I try to remind myself ... that yes it feels like crap inside me... but it could be much worse...! yes we all have problems we go through... and many go thru them for many years.... but many others go thru them for a lifetime... and that is not us.... we are lucky that way.... so... what shall we do with the situation at hand...? I think some re-assessment of the situation is warranted... what are your priorities in life? - do I want to live with someone who is addicted and can influence my kids badly? you know... questions like that :) once we are ready to give honest answers to hard questions..... then things begin to be clear.... all the best to you.. take care (((((((((((((((((HUGZ))))))))))))))))))))))) you are stronger than this.... your story is proof ...... D. |
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2 posts back to top |
| Posted 5 months ago Thanks to everyone who sent a hug! And special thanks to Traveler D. Your reply arrived just at the right time for me today. I'm trying to bend with the wind and it feels like he's trying to sit on my branch, holding it to the ground. Those are the questions I am asking myself. No I don't feel like killing myself today - or even most days - just occasionally. But even then I know that I won't do it. I don't have ethe guts to hurt myself that much. I remember that my high school class had the highest number of Golden Gate Bridge jumpers than any other ever!. Some of those people were very close friends before drifting apart. I know that I will take a trip soon to see my family. I don't know how loing I'll stay, or even if I will come back. But I will be around people who will support me whether I'm wrong or right about leaving. By the way D. Do you still need a hug? Thanks again CTB |
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2 posts back to top |
| Posted 5 months ago
If my reply has helped in the slightest.... then I have already received my hug :))))))))))))) Thank you my dear.... you just made my afternoon :) |
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| Posted 3 months ago I hope everything has started looking better for you, carmen. This is kind of late, but I wanted to say that, if you are having suicidal thoughts and are feeling frustrated at having to pay the bills while your husband goes out and has fun, let me say that I have been there! I wasn't in Mexico, but I was working 3 part-time jobs and attending school full-time (19 semester hours!) while living with my "high school sweetheart" (we are no longer together, thankfully!). It was so frustrating! He would go out and hang out and quit his job whenever he felt like it and spend my grocery money on a video game, and eat all my food and then ask me what was for dinner!! What I found helped was taking time out of my day to go for a run, or just go out and do my own thing, hanging out and having fun. I didn't spend any money (because I didn't have any), but I would find people to hang out with or go to a free event on campus or something of that sort. That is what kept me sane. We broke up when we couldn't come to an agreement on our financial situation (I wanted him to get a job, he wanted to hang out with his friends) - and his decision to date other girls also helped in making the decision to end it and leave him on his own to see what it was like. I gave him all the tools he needed to make it financially, even, taught him how to plan his budget and whatnot. Now, almost three years after we broke up, he's jobless, living with his parents after being homeless for a while. Sometimes you have to do what you can do. Have you tried talking to your husband about planning a budget? Have you voiced your feelings to him, explaining that he has left his husbandly duties behind in Montana and you'd like him to get them back? I would suggest some counseling, personally, but I also don't know how things have turned in the last 2 months. So I hope things have gotten better and the two of you have found a way to make the both of you happy! |
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| Posted 3 months ago I just fount this thread and want to say Hang in there lady, this is YOUR dream, you can't let it go, you are there, you are strong, otherwise you would not be there, and you can do it. Try and find a way to reach your husband, perhaps he also needed a break and it just went to his head? I don't have practical knowledge to give you, just a hug and keep going. You will do it. My prayers are with you. |
141 posts back to top |
| Posted 3 months ago The advice you received from Traveler D was on the money. Do not think suicide - think survival. Place this is Gods hand and let Him lead you to the answers you seek. Here's my hug to you :) :) :) Look up - not down!. You can make it, with or without your husband. |
