Excelle

So here's the deal . . . . .

I have 3 kids, my daughter, from previous relationship and my 2 twin step sons both are 12 yrs old and in 7th grade. My dilema is that one of my step sons is failing 7th grade and no one really seems to care but me and I'm really at my witts end here ! He reads at about a 5th grade level and his math skills are the same, he still struggles with math he still doesn't know all of his multiplication.

Let me cover the basics. He has come close to failiing each year for the last 4 years, he has never been fantastic in school but if he tries he does pretty good. He lives with his dad and myself and has for the last 11 years. He visits his mom every other weekend. The problem is I tell my husband he is falling behind, lieing about homework, occassionally gets in trouble etc. My husband punishes him for a day and then moves on  ! !  I have talked to his teachers, had him tested, no his is not disabled or speial ed, he just needs to apply himself. He will flat out lie before doing his homework and has an attitude to match sometimes. If I don't check his homework, it doesn't get done, if I don't check his grades online, no one will. My issue ? Why am I the only one who cares and he is not my kid !  His mom? Well we tried to have her pick him up 2 to 3 times a week and do homework with him, that lasted only a quarter because he received all F's.

I am ready to give up and wash my hands of it. My husband gets on my  case if his son is failing but not on his son's case ?!? He goes to tutoring at school, which I have to keep an eye because he lies about tutoring being cancelled, etc. .

How do I stop the madness, I am open for suggestions.

MaggieM1750 says ...

Is this how your husband is in general? Does he generally stick his head in the sand and hope things will fix themselves or is he usually more hands on at correcting something? How was he in school? Is your husband able to help him with his homework? I know some parents are not home to be very hands on, or their own math skills are not great and cannot help out. Perhaps your husband is also at a loss as to how to help his son and it is easy to just push that responsibility onto you to figure out.

Since the boys are twins, is there any part of sibling issues at play here where the one does not feel he can measure up to his brothers success so he doesn't even try? Would it be possible to move the boys to different schools or different classrooms if that is the issue? Or the easiest way to get attention is to be "the problem child?"

I get the impression that you think your husbands kids are his problem, but it sounds like he does not have that same idea- his kids are your problem. Is that just with this issue or others as well? Are they your kids collectively or your kids and his kids?

I can understand why you are in a tough spot. You dont want to throw your hands up and walk away- no matter how frustrating this is. Theres multiple issues here-  your step son's continued struggle in school. The issue of whose responsibility it is to keep him on track- yours or your husbands. Possible sibling rivalry. And at 12 yrs old, your step son is old enough to take responsibility for staying on task and getting his homework done. I don't need answers to any of these questions- and many of them you may have already thought about. But as a complete outsider, those are just the questions I had when reading your post.

To answer your questions: Usually my husband rules with an iron fist. . . . . .so I'm not so sure why he turns the other way in this case. I imagine it is hard for him to realize that his son is slacking off but I don't think he gets that in the long run there will be lots of issues. They are his kids from his first marriage however, we have custody of them. The school is not the issue, the twins are not in the same class and haven't been since 2nd grade per school rules. My husband has sat down with his son to help with homework and gets really frustrated and tells him to come sit with me .  .. . . I just wish he would take a more active role. I feel like he feels I am just complaining about his son but I don't think he will get it until he fails a grade. (not what I want)

I definitely don't mind helping, I loved school and love helping with homework but by the time I force him to do it I'm exhausted. I am home when the kids get home and ny husband gets home about 2 hours later. We didn't want to "save " homework time until then because of course his son reaps the rewards of playing before the work, make sense ? Otherwise he is not a bad kid, he just flat out does not like doing homework and doesn't really give it his all. Now last year he had a FANTASTIC teacher and I was on my step-sons case daily and he got all A's, B's & C's, which is much better than the D's & F's he was getting. But it took alot of hard work and dedication to do it and I think he felt it was too much.

Anyways, I am open for suggestions on what else to do. Unfortunately, we can't afford tutoring right now but I know with each year he falls further behind and in 1 1/2 yrs he'll be in highschool-Yikes! And your right, he is old enough to take SOME responsibility, it has come to the point where I have to check his backpack/binder everyday he comes home from school. (i don't like to do this but am not left with much of a choice)